I’ve noticed that Sodastream is making a rather loud comeback. DIY fizzy drinks were all the rage in the 1970s/’80s, and I honestly thought we’d seen the last of them. But no, they’re getting busy with the fizzy all over again. It brings back memories, a sugary flood of them, in fact. I can taste those memories. How we must have despised our teeth back in the day, to think that carbonated water and several glugs of bright, sweet syrup were a good idea for regular consumption. I must ask my former schoolmate who religiously brought a Sodastream cola in his lunchbox to school every day. I must also track down the other schoolmate who made fizzy milk in his. Terrible idea; the milk exploded during the carbonating process and within an hour the machine smelled like a giant, sunbathing stilton.
But the same guy also taught me how to perform the most incredible fizzy-drink burps: you down an entire Sodastream as quickly as possible but make sure you keep all the gas in – this is very important; a short time later, usually when you’ve almost forgotten about the gas within, you will emit the most astounding, lengthy and earth-shuddering belch. It works too. Once you’ve mastered it, you can also begin to belch-speak. You haven’t tried that? You’re crumbling before me. Start by saying your name. Next time, your full name. By the time you’re on your 18th Sodastream, you’ll be belch-speaking entire sentences. I met someone who could actually belch “the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Special Envoy Terry Waite” – that’s talent. I’m not making that up. Continue reading