Archive for the Unwanted Comebacks Category

Mary legging it to the top again

Posted in Unwanted Comebacks on July 22, 2010 by Johnnie

This is especially for those people who keep arriving at this blog after Googling “Mary Coughlan legs” (hello again, you lot – you’ll be pleased to hear you’ve long since overtaken those looking for ‘Carol Smillie spanking’), here she is (centre) in yesterday’s Irish Independent modelling a courageously short dress.  And her new “Anne Widdecombe” hairstyle.

Actually, her attire is perhaps not a surprise, given that she was unplaced in Social & Personal’s Sexy Legs Top 20 last year, having been perched in 20th position in 2008.  Her party needs all the help it can get, no matter the poll.  Of course, her prize assets were given a celebrity endorsement by St Bob Geldof last year but I’m not sure her new hair is the right accessory.  That said, Anne Widdecombe reckoned her own best features were her legs (which she apparently never shaves), so perhaps there’s more than just an economic policy bonding these two female politicians. Continue reading

Heart failure and time warp

Posted in Pointless Nostalgia, TV, Unwanted Comebacks on July 14, 2010 by Johnnie

Good riddance to Ashfordly – where it’s been the 1960s for 18 years

The end of an error is upon us.  One of Britain’s cosiest Sunday night habits has, as they say, been “axed”.  This coming Sunday sees the beginning of the final series of Heartbeat, a programme described variously as a ‘1960s rural police drama’, a ‘nostalgic drama’ and, most damning of all, a ‘cosy drama’.  Of course, it traditionally contained very little drama, being more of a whimsical period soap opera, but that didn’t stop millions of saps tuning in of a Sunday evening to have their brains turned to sloppy meringue at cocoa time, just in time for the working week to begin.  At last, Britain’s woolliest police force have gone into cardiac arrest after nearly two decades in a coma.

Officially, ITV has cancelled it because it wants to concentrate on “new and varied drama commissions”, a laudable enough aspiration, and good luck to them, especially if they’ve realised that chasing an intelligent, discerning audience can be profitable too.  But, really, Heartbeat‘s continued, mirthless existence exposed two decades of ITV’s gutless commissioning and scheduling.   It had to go, it’s been hobbling on its useless, nostalgic limbs for a staggering 18 years, as dull and starchy as old, zombified offerings like Peak Practice and London’s Burning. Continue reading

Things can only get bitter…

Posted in Disasters, Music, Unwanted Comebacks on June 18, 2010 by Johnnie

The Tories are only back in power a wet minute and look who’s crawled back from the lair of the woodworm.  Only Phil Collins.  Back, back, back, he is.  Considering Britain’s now going back to Victorian values, back to basics, back to colonial, feudalistic, tally-ho, smash-the-oiks Conservatism, why not go the whole hog and bring back old Phil too?

I’m sure he’s been missed, not only by his legion of  middle-class, middle-age spread fans, but also by other right-wing musicians, ones who didn’t flee the country when Labour got in: people like Rick Wakeman, Gary Numan,  Eric Clapton, Tony Hadley, Gary Barlow and, er, Geri Halliwell.

In the spirit of c(C)onservatism, Collins’s album is called Going Back, a ‘Motown inspired’ collection of, er, Motown covers.   Continue reading

The Sound of Paint Drying

Posted in Grave News, Star "Style", Unwanted Comebacks on June 3, 2010 by Johnnie

The other morning, after a night of torrential rain, my first, irritated waking thought was, “Well, if it’s going to piss down, and I have to go out in that, I just hope there are hundreds of fat, boring businessmen meeting on golf courses today.”   I’ve never been glad to see the back of summer but I welcome autumn and all its wind, rain and gloom because I cannot wait to see the back of golf. I hate golf.

I’m repeating myself: I hate golf.  We’re talking about a “sport” that fines people for wearing the wrong jumper, or rejects them from clubs for being the wrong gender.  Smack me around the head if I can think of a worse excuse for something to do.  As for repetition?  I’m no different to the insufferable, boring bastards who insist, year in, year out, that I should take up their pathetic, over-expensive hobby.   “Try it, go on, I bet you’ll love it,” in the same manner of those awful pricks who implore you to get dressed down in street-corner attire to go to The Rocky Horror Show: “You haven’t lived until you’ve done Rocky Horror,” they whine.  At least those part-time drag queens dress better than golfers.

Golf has gone through something of a purple (and pink /lilac /yellow check) patch in Ireland recently. Padraig Harrington won the British Open in 2007, then there’s been the emergence of Shane Lowry (and let’s face it, good press for fat blokes from Offaly is thin on the ground) and everyone’s favourite Cabbage Patch Kid, Rory McIlroy.  Far from being marginalised like the executive waste of money and time it is, golf is everywhere you look – and listen. Continue reading

It’s not rocket science

Posted in Pointless Nostalgia, TV, Unwanted Comebacks on March 9, 2010 by Johnnie

Bless, bless, bless the 12-year-old work experience kid who was asked to find a photo of “the man who presents The Krypton Factor” for today’s Irish Times’ TV page; didn’t said 12-year-old then duly come up trumps with the smiling fizog of its original presenter, the mild-mannered-as-an-art-form, Gordon Burns.

Personally, I prefer not to see this as an error, but simply an ‘accidentally-on-purpose’ reminder of ITV’s lost gravitas.   The decision to reactivate The Krypton Factor should have been a positive one, a move towards edifying television; instead, it feels no more challenging than the return of that other 70s & 80s’ staple, Mr & Mrs.  

And then there’s the professionally opaque Ben Shephard himself, a man whose talent for TV presenting really shouldn’t have taken him any further than those near-death insurance or hearing aid adverts you see during the breaks in CountdownContinue reading