Why Stop At AIDS?

Why does the Pope not highlight the other evils condoms are responsible for?

Pope Benedict XVI has denounced the use of condoms to prevent the spread of HIV, telling reporters that AIDS “cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems.”   Incredibly there has been an international outcry over this statement, with the director of the World Health Organisation’s HIV/Aids department, Kevin De Cock, saying that there’s no scientific evidence to show that condom use encourages people to take sexual risks.  Naturally, IHGN thinks Pope Benedict hasn’t gone far enough in his condom condemnation.  There are many other risks associated with their use and misuse – why didn’t he point these ones out?

ASPHYXIA – In 2007, a man from East Sussex was found dead in bed at his home with a laughing gas-filled condom over his head.  If condoms didn’t exist, this would never have happened. Stop this evil immediately.

ANAPHYLAXIS – People with a latex allergy could go into shock with a sheath. Say no. Repent!

ALOPECIA – Again, if someone puts one of these dreadful contraceptives over their heads, it could cause untold damage to their hair follicles.  This is no chortling matter.  (Chortling is also evil – see below).  Cease and desist condom-play TODAY.

VERTIGO – What if someone fills one with hot air and a child accidentally gets hold of it and gets hoisted up into the air?  They could be traumatised for life.  Stamp this evil out before someone gets a fright.

DROWNING – Evil sinners sometimes fill these diabolical items with water, not knowing WHAT untold damage they could do if it bursts. Not everyone can swim or breathe underwater.  Condoms are the work of the Devil.

PERFORATED EARDRUMS – What if someone blew one up like a balloon “for a laugh” and then burst it with a pin “for another laugh”?  BAN condom-related deafness NOW.

GLOBAL ECONOMIC MELTDOWN – It’s obvious that politicians and financial high-flyers were on the job when they should have been on their proper job. Verily, they have shagged us into a recession.  It’s like Sodom and Begorrah ’round here.

CANCER – I’m serious as Snap! when I say that condoms have been found to cause cancer by some German boffins – well, come on, you wouldn’t drink a bottle of nonoxynol-9, would you?  See, told you they were evil.  Get thee to a nunnery.

FACIAL DISCOMFORT – There’s nothing guaranteed to wind up His Holiness more than people enjoying themselves without his consent.  Smiles are brazen, damnable evidence of fornication – and fornication is not supposed to be enjoyable.  Smiles have “condom” written all over them.  Smiling hurts. Stop it. Burn your evil condoms.

SARCASM – Wherever your condom-clad penis goes, your smart arse shall surely follow.  Seek! Locate! Exterminate condoms!