Because I’ve been vegetarian most of my life, I have an inbuilt belief that butchers are somewhat evil. Well, I’m sure in their own way and in their personal lives, some of them are very nice. (Like Hitler, perhaps; a friend once pointed out to me that Adolf was probably very nice to Eva. “Here is a cup of tea, darling! You vill drink it!”) However, it takes an especially sick sense of “humour” to sell your bloody wares by pretending that animals are complicit in their own slaughter. Take this nice advert for a Clonmel pork specialist: no jolly, red-faced, fat, boater-wearing, cleaver-wielding, blood-thirsty Fred Elliot look-alike dribbling all over a window display of animal carcasses here – oh no, this one depicts a cannibalistic pig in a butcher’s apron, knife and fork poised, dancing above a blackboard advertising how he’s about to dissect himself for your gastronomic pleasure. Not quite sure what part of himself he’s selling as ‘chicken fillets’, but there’s no reason why pigs shouldn’t have moobs, I suppose. However, I’m more concerned about wtf a “slipper of ham” is. Actually, you know what, I’d rather not find out – the whole notion is far too grim to even think about.
Coincidentally, I came across a packet of ‘Smoky Bacon’ Hula Hoops this morning. The same packet which advertises “no artificial flavours, colours or MSG” also carries the Vegetarian Society’s logo. So at least we know it’s real fake bacon flavour – enough to get any joyfully suicidal pig feeling a whole lot better about his life.