Finally, the funniest man in the world is back on a Saturday night. I love Harry Hill, so I’m posting my favourite Harry Hill gags here just so that I can log on and laugh at them all over again…
“I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.”
“Want to know where your post has come from? Run after your postman shouting ‘1-4-7-1!'”
“Apparently you can tell a lot about people from what they’re like.”
“I have a really nice stepladder. Sadly, I never knew my real ladder.”
“Not just jockeys, I think all small men should have to wear a number.”
“If you drop a Bible on a field mouse, it’ll kill it. So maybe the Bible’s not all good?”
“Is it just me, or does anyone else get the amount you’re allowed to drink when you’re driving mixed up with the amount you’re allowed to take through customs?”
“Why do they put the little holes in the top of the biscuits? (Points to random audience member) YOU, go and find out!”
“What is it about people that repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys? Try going in there with a shoe shaped like a key and see how confused they get.”
“My dad used to say – Always fight fire with fire. Which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.”
“My nan has a picture of the United Kingdom tattooed all over her body. You can say what you like about my nan, but at least you know where you are with her.”
“Apparently the main problem with heroin is…. it’s very moreish…”
“I found out this week that my Mum’s got false teeth. So how can I believe a single word that she tells me?”
“You know what I blame the increase in crime on? The rise of mobile phones. There’s fewer phone boxes. Fewer places for Superman to get changed in. He’s having to get changed in Portaloos. Is that what we want? Is that the sort of society that we want? A world where Superman has to stand on his shoes to get changed?”
“Tim Rice? Tim Curry? What is it about the name Tim that suggests Indian food?”
“Vegetarians tend to be the same touchy-feely bunch that go on about the environment. Well, maybe there’d be more environment about, if you lot weren’t eating all the plants.”
“You know the white plastic doll’s house garden furniture that you get free with the home delivery pizzas? I keep getting the table. What’s that about? They’re not making enough chairs are they? The ratio of tables to chairs should be at least four to one!”
“What is it with chimpanzees and that middle parting? It’s so 1920s.”
“I remember the shouts of “SCAB!” as my father went to work. “SCAB!” they would shout during the great dermatologists strike…”
“Last night I had a lovely quattro formaggi pizza. Bit cheesy.”
“My auntie used to say ‘What you can’t see can’t hurt you.’ She died of radiation poisoning a few months back.”
“I don’t wear a watch. I want my arms to weigh the same.”
“Hitler was a bad man. Winston Churchill was a good man. But if you were in a balloon with Hitler and Churchill, and you were losing altitude…”
“Isn’t it embarrassing when you cough up a hairball and it isn’t your colour?”
“My mum used to work in an abattoir, stunning cows. Some of the sheep weren’t bad looking either.”
“Apparently if you find an osprey egg and you give it the right temperature, the right conditions, that egg will turn into a beautiful… omelette.”
“I went to an Indian restaurant called A Taste Of The Raj. The waiter hit me with a big stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.”
“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames”
I Have Grave News 