You know who you are, I’m talking to you. The sort of people who, back in the 1960s and ’70s, would go around wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend, “THE END IS NIGH”. Nowadays, you hide indoors, sitting on the internet wearing nothing but your old Y-fronts and a string vest, but you’re no less doomladen than your predecessors. Hark! A bell! For whom does the bell toll? Well, ting. Yes, your microwaved meal for one is ready – go fetch.
Seriously now, the world’s not going to end, we’re not all going to die at the same time and (you’re not going to believe this, but I’m going to put it out there anyway) 2010 is… Just. A. Fil-um.
OK, everyone else, just to explain: hundreds of people are accidentally discovering the many and varied joys of I Have Grave News by Googling the words “The End”. Sadly for them, they’ve only been directed to an article I wrote for U Magazine about how a true lover stabs you in the front, and not step-by-step instructions on what to do when the world suddenly starts to crumble and die.
Oh look, here are more “The End-ers” coming along now. Well, while I have you here, can I just ask what you are planning to do with any information you find? Are you going to go all Bruce Willis, or maybe old-school Charlton Heston, and try to avert global catastrophe all on your Tobler? Are you going to spend more time with your friends and family? Are you going to spend your final hours cavorting with the love of your life? Or is it finally time to exact revenge on that school bully, by kidnapping him/her and making them endure tortures beyond their wildest imagination all the way up to Armageddon? It’s your call, obviously.
Me, I’m just going to carry on, like the world inevitably will. The only thing I wanted to know was, how will we know when the world is about to end? You’ll love this: apparently, bees will begin to die out and there may even be random, mass starfish suicides. Now, see how that goes down with your lonesome mug of cocoa.
I Have Grave News 
Most common search terms on my blog: naughty pee, dirty underwear, and Google Streetview car. Lately it’s mostly been the latter because for some strange reason, I’ve been getting more than my usual dozen or so hits from bots. My favourite was something to do with ‘how to get rid of dirty underwear’.
I am crap about caring how many people read my blog, but I do like to pepper the headlines with the kinds of search terms that make me into a lurker at the backstage door of the internet. “Sexy ladygay” anyone?
Naughty pee, though. Srsly. Every day someone reaches my blog with ‘naughty pee’.
Jane, apart from miserable The End-ers, I am constantly visited by people who want to spank Carol Smillie. I put up a nice picture of her bottom for their delectation, I can hardly send visitors away minus gratification. All part of the service.
Bruce Willis should also get a lifetime achievement award for the many great films that he had ”