That new Oasis drivel

Oasis are back – and they’re worse than ever. They’ve been finding it harder to get away with their shameful, career-long dearth of ideas in recent years but, even by their own execrable standards, their forthcoming single, ‘The Shock of the Lightning’ has to be a career low. “Love is a time machine/ Up on the silver screen/ It’s all in […]

FIFA Come To Chelsea’s Moral Rescue By Mugging Mutu

The old sledgehammer to crack a nut trick. Fifa have ordered Adrian Mutu to pay Chelsea £13.68 million in compensation following his positive test for cocaine while at Stamford Bridge in 2005. There are too many annoying aspects to this act of scapegoating but this appears to be completely lost on Chelsea and their lawyers, who […]

This Just-in: King-Sized Tut-Tuts at Hot Leg’s Glasgow Faux Pas

While no one has ever accused ex-Darkness frontman Justin Hawkins of possessing subtlety or panache, a little research could have gone a long way to helping the Glasgow debut of his new “man rock” outfit Hot Leg go a bit more smoothly last night. The ‘Leg were delighting an enthusiastic crowd at King Tut’s Wah […]

Bloke From “Out In” Tallaght Wearing Liverpooel Shirt Shocker

In what will be seen as great news in the twin tracksuit capitals of the world, Robbie Keane from “out in” Tallaght, Dublin, has signed for Liverpooel in a €24m deal. In spite of Spurs’ valiant efforts to stop the Republic of Ireland striker making a cultural stereotype out of himself, Keane will return to his […]

Of Golfers, Skiers and Festival Goers…

Two of my pet hates in life are skiing and golf. If I need to give my reasons, you must be a skier or a golfer. I’m not either, and my experience of both made me wonder how anyone could try them twice. But beyond even participation in these sports (or, worse, watching them with […]

Let’s Have Some Proper Global Warming

I sincerely hope that the weather has improved immeasurably by the time you read this. As I write this in July, we are being visited by the sort of apocalyptic weather conditions that give endangered species selection anxiety – I doubt it’s any coincidence that a colleague of mine has just named his newborn son […]

Do you dig graves?

I Have Grave News certainly loves them. There’s no cultural agenda here, just Johnnie reacting to things in much the same way as I do at the telly of an evening (particularly during Question Time, Newsnight and Hollyoaks). Except with added malice aforethought, gallows humour, a graveside manner and a tickle under the chin.